The Notebook of Observations by Sousuke Sagara
by Eureka234
Summary: Why, hello, reader, I see you have come across this notebook of mine. It is useless, unintelligent, adventures, and observations about the world around me, in order to understand it better. Kaname approached me about something today which was quite strange. Rated M for later chapters
1. The Invitation

**_Disclaimer_: I own nothing. This series belongs to Kyoto Animation and GONZO (c). This fanfic takes place after the end of the Second Raid. Please enjoy! :)**

* * *

It was the middle of the day, Wednesday. 15 past 13 hours. The sun was quite stunning; it was one of the better days this year. I was just in my room on the Mithril submarine, when a note was slid under my door. Was it a bomb? An invitation to the fight to the death? I tried to keep my cool as I observed it, shaking. It looked like just a normal envelope, and this was in the submarine, we had just defeated the enemy, it couldn't be anything harmful.

Kaname kicked the door.

"Open it you idiot!"

I jumped. That Chidori sure had a way with words.

"That's very nice, Chidori" I took a deep breath "It is nice to know it's you"

"Of course it's me! Who else would it be?"

While my response was still not as civilized and "vulnerable madness" as what "normal people" would consider, I still kept pride in the fact that you can never be too careful. It is impossible to know what might occur.

"Have you read it yet?" Chidori asked. I quickly snatched the envelope and ripped it open.

"Just a moment, Chidori" I scanned the message, growing more confused by the minute "You can't rush your…"

Bodyguard? Sergeant? What was I now? The battle was over, technically, for now, I could lay low for a bit. At least, until something new came along… maybe I shouldn't lose my cool yet.

For those who are interested, the message Chidori slid under my door that day was as follows:

* * *

Dear guest,

You are invited to an extravangza of fun this Saturday in the dinning hall at 6:30pm. Make sure to dress up in the theme of Christmas as there will be prizes awarded to best dressed! Please RSVP as soon as possible. We would love to see you there! Food and drinks will be provided.

Best of luck,

Kaname Chidori

* * *

Kaname rattled the handle.

"So, Sousuke? Are you gonna go?"

I lifted my eyebrows "I'm wondering, Chidori, could I open the door for a moment? I would like to have a word with you"

"A word with me? What the-"

I unlocked the door, snatched Chidori's shirt, and forced her inside, locking the door again behind her. She was wearing her school uniform, as usual, except today it was a little more creased. What did that mean?

"What happened to your shirt, Chidori?" I asked, prodding it. "Did someone attack you?"

"No! I just couldn't be bothered ironing it. Gosh, you're stupid"

Chidori was about to hit me, I could tell, but she resisted.

"What did you want to talk to me about?"  
"Oh, I have a few queries about this transmission" I poured over the words again "Extravangza? Christmas? I'm not sure I understand the meaning of this invitation. Is it Christmas time already?"

"What is it you don't understand?" Chidori asked, "It looks pretty simple to me. You dress up, come to a party, have fun, and go home"

"What part about dressing up and eating food is fun? It sounds like a usual daily meal. I don't understand the formality, of why you would need an invitation for such a mundane event"

I expected Chidori to act violently, but instead, she smiled.

"The point of a party is to make mundane activities exciting. For example, if you want to help, me and Tessa are going to make lots of cookies, dips and some punch, and the dressing up part makes it more interesting than usual, because you do something different. We'll have music and pretty lights, the submarine will never be the same, Sagara!"

The light in her eyes was truly astounding. It was like she was a star, beaming down from the sky. It was a sight to behold. I scratched my head.

"So what you're saying is, it will be something so different from the norm that it will be an event worth going to?" I paraphrased her. Kaname nodded. Her face lit up.

"You got it! If you want I could get Kurtz to help you shop for a costume. What do you say?"

"I suppose I could do that. An event this obnoxious requires a camera. What ever will I wear to such a different event? My wardrobe is bland"

"That's why I'll get Kurtz to help you!" Chidori smiled "So does that mean you're coming?"

"If it means it will draw myself away from this room, then sure"

Chidori jumped up and down, yelling. How strange, I didn't think it was that interesting- but obviously this was important to her. I nodded, and handed her the note.

"I will see you in the kitchens sometime, Chidori. When are you and Tessa preparing the food?"

"Tomorrow, at night, 12am, so no one knows what we're up to"

"You'll see me there."


	2. Finding a Costume

The next day, Thursday, was fairly uneventful, reader, until Tessa dragged me out of my room, around midday. She was very excited about my agreement to come to this event. I pulled against her arm.

"I can see you're very excited about this, Miss, however, I would like to ask that you don't dislocate my arm"

Tessa made a strange noise to express her happiness.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sagara, I know I'm being a bit crazy, but Kurtz had a few outfits in his wardrobe he thought might fit you, so I would love to see you try them.

Did she have a camera? Did she plan to humiliate me? What was her motivation? I yanked my arm free.

"I'm wondering what is your motivation for wanting to see me try on clothes. It doesn't seem very interesting at all"

"Did you say 'try on clothes'?!"

Kaname raced up behind me and yanked my other arm.

"Please, let me watch too, it's been my dream to help pick out outfits for a man, especially Sagara"

"So, girls take enjoyment in watching men change their clothes. It's very strange. What would happen if I took off my clothes?"

What looked like blood spurted out of Tessa's nose, and Kaname was stunned.

"How can you dare to be so improper, you idiot!"

Kaname tried to hit me, reader, but she stopped half way through.

"What is this, you are trying not to hit, Sagara?!" Tessa roared, and fire burned in her eyes "Could it be that you've changed your ways, Chidori?"

"I can change my ways anytime I want!" Kaname yelled "If you want, I could hit you instead"

"Calm down, ladies!"

I turned. Kurtz was on the scene. He was wearing his usual shirt, with jeans. He grinned.

"So, I see you're both dying to see me expose Sagara here to my wardrobe" He grabbed me on the shoulder "C'mon buddy, they're all jealous of the bond we have together"

"That's not it!" Tessa yelled, but then she caught Kaname's eye, blushed furiously, and looked at the ground. "I'll be good, Sergeant Sagara, it certainly isn't professional to be acting this way. Let's move onwards to your room, Kurtz"

"Follow me!" Kurtz waved, and stepped in front of us all. Tessa and Kaname were acting strangely. While they agreed that it was exciting to see men take off their clothes, they didn't show as much enthusiasm towards Kurtz. Chidori had become less violent towards me, and I know she saw me as something more than just her protector, but what that was I couldn't put into words.

* * *

Kurtz room was as disorganized and messy as ever. Beer cans and pornographic magazines trailed on his desk. Tessa blushed, looking at these.

"Ew, ew, ew"

"Oh grow up, princess" Kaname snapped. Tessa glared at Chidori. Kurtz giggled.

"Ok girls, I think it's about time you step out of this room to sort out your differences. I will take it from here"

"WHAT?!" Chidori and Tessa gasped. Kurtz shook his head.

"We wouldn't want any blood on Sousuke's clothes, now would you?"

"But I brought a camera!" Tessa yelled. Kaname covered Tessa's mouth.

"Stop fighting it. Maybe if we go along with what Kurtz says, we will get what we want"

Tessa nodded "Good idea"

Just like that, the two girls went out of the room and shut the door, leaving Kurtz and me alone. Kurtz grinned and walked over to his wardrobe door.

"Girls, they're all over you Sousuke"

"What ever are you talking about, Kurtz?" I asked. Kurtz grinned.

"Ignorance is not bliss in this case. You don't know how lucky you are, but never mind that"

He smiled, and opened the wardrobe door.

"So, the party says it's costumes, but I can't think of any Christmas type costumes you could wear, unless we wore Santa hats or skimpy lingerie, which I'd have to buy off the internet anyway" he sighed. "What would you rather wear? I have lots of accessories, which I'd been saving for the ladies, but perhaps you can pull some of them off. Do you want to wear something the girls will like?"

I thought back to Chidori, about how she was jumping up and down in excitement from the thought of me coming.

"Sure, I want to do anything I can to fulfill Chidori's wishes"

'Ooh, sexy" Kurtz winked, to my dismay. What was he talking about?

"So, take off your clothes. Let's pick something out for you"

I glanced to the door; there was a little crack in it. I caught a glimpse of two eyes peering away. I smiled. Those girls were so confusing, but quite funny as well. I took off my shirt, and unzipped my pants, but didn't take them off yet.

"Kurtz," I commanded, and I pointed towards the door "Lock them out"

Kurtz grinned and laughed as he locked the door, and cries of anguish from Chidori and Tessa could be heard. Part of the fun, I realized, was the mystery. I would keep them guessing, until the very end.

I will leave the description of my attire for a later page, dear reader, as at the moment I am too embarrassed to describe the atrocity Kurtz convinced me to wear. When I exited the room, however, Kaname and Tessa grabbed me.

"What did you pick out?" Tessa asked, tears in her eyes.

"Please, please tell us!" Kaname pleaded. I smiled. This was beginning to be fun.

"As much as I can tell you enjoy this, I think it is best you wait until Saturday. I am not too sure I will look any good, but Kurtz seems to think it will be, pardon my French, "interesting""

"If Kurtz said so, it must be amazing" Tessa awed.

Tessa fell to the ground with another nosebleed. Kaname turned to me.

"Please Sousuke, can't you tell me, just between us, as best buddies, ya know?"

"I'm sorry, Chidori. Not today. It is far too much fun to taunt you. I can see why you have played tricks on me all these years"

I walked away, a crude smile on my face, feeling more alive than I had in a very long time.


	3. Kurtz' Theory

That night came by very quickly, except every few hours either Chidori or Tessa would knock on my door and demand I describe my outfit to them. Chidori sounded like she was about to cry at one point.

"Please, Sagara, think of all the fun times we've had, about how good you are to me"

"I understand, Chidori. You really care about seeing my costume. I'm sorry though. I'll see you when we make snacks"

Kaname kicked the door and yelled.

"DAMN IT!"

* * *

At exactly 11:58pm, I wondered out of my room and into the kitchen. Sure enough, the lights were on, and Kaname and Tessa joined me.

"So about your costume, Mr Sagara…" Tessa began, fluttering her eyelashes. I sat down.

"No."

Kaname sighed "Enough of that, let's make some food. I bought the ingredients for the drinks, and Tessa got ingredients for dips and other food"

"Wow"

I admired the girl's hard work. The whole kitchen bench, plus the other side, were completely covered with ingredients. Kaname washed her hands under the sink.

'So the only thing left for you to decide, Sousuke, is rather you'd help me with preparing drinks, or Tessa with snacks"

"Hmm"

I looked from one to the other. Both of their tasks were quite huge, and require equal amounts of support. Or I could help one of them finish first, and help the other.

"I will help both of you equally for 10 minutes at a time, and I will help Chidori first"

"Yes!" Chidori pointed and laughed at Tessa "You have to wait 10 minutes"

"Well, it means he may be spending more time with me to finish!" Tessa growled.

"You are both acting very strangely. Do you care to tell me why?" I asked, and I sat down next to Chidori. Both of them turned pink. The girls looked at each other.

"Don't ruin Christmas for us, Sagara" Tessa snapped, "We can like who we like and do what we do"

"I see" I picked up an orange, and started to cut it into slices, as Chidori was doing "So you're afraid I will ruin Christmas?"  
"What Tessa is trying to badly articulate" Kaname began, looking shifty eyed "Is that we're both nervous that um, that um…"

"That I will ruin Christmas?" I prompted. Kaname hit the table.

"Oh, shut up! Go ask Kurtz and grow a brain, you nincompoop"

So that was that, reader. Kaname was very blunt about her opinion, which didn't make much sense. I nodded.

"Understood. I will go consult with Kurtz after this is done"

"No!" Tessa mouthed to Chidori, but I couldn't see how Chidori responded. She looked at me, sternly, and said.

"I'm not afraid for Christmas to be ruined"

* * *

"Come in!"

I opened Kurtz door, the next morning (Friday, 20 past 9 hours), to see him wearing long black pants, and no shirt.

"Oh my god" I wiped my face "You could have told me you were half dressed"

"Should I go to the party like this, or wear my jacket?"

Kurtz gestured to a silk crimson dressed gown that read "Playboy" on the back. Sousuke nodded.

"The jacket, although, a bunny doesn't appear as very masculine to me"

"I don't have to be masculine to be sexy" Kurtz said, adjusting the jacket "Or maybe I do. God, how do you have it so easily, Sagara? I hope I can impress Melissa at this party"

"What do you mean by "impress Melissa"? I asked. Kurtz smiled.

"Oh, you really know nothing, Sagara"

"What is there to know?" I asked, "Actually, I was hoping you could explain, as Tessa and Kaname won't tell me"

"Perhaps they would tell you, if they were given a bit of privacy"

"I don't understand"

"I'll say this: both Tessa and Kaname want to tell you how much you mean to them, however, they are both nervous, and you will have to pick just one"

"Just one? But both of them are my friends"

"That's the thing. They don't want to be your friends"

"Oh"

Something was starting to click in my head- a reason why Kaname and Tessa were getting so adamant about my costume, about why they were so persistent and obsessed.

"They think you're sexy, Sagara" Kurtz whispered. He put a hand on my shoulder "And when this party comes along, they're going to think you're even sexier"

'Sexy' is a word I have heard tossed around every so often, although it is one that made very little sense to me. For example, people describe clothing, food and other human beings as 'sexy', but I'm not sure what that would imply. Did it mean they wanted to procreate with that certain something? The closest word to 'sexy' was 'sex', and sex meant you forwarded the human race by means of using your body.

"What are you thinking?" Kurtz asked me, and he looked very serious "Please say something. I am very curious to know"

"If someone calls me sexy, does that mean they want me to parent their children?"

Kurtz sighed "Something like that. Hey buddy, I've always wondered this but never had the guts to ask: have you ever felt aroused by something?"

"Aroused? Like agitated? Adrenaline?"

The words were so baffling. It was like trying to cram a dictionary into my head.

"No, I mean, sexually aroused. Like having a crush on someone? Wanting to kiss them, or do other things?"

He giggled. I didn't see why. I didn't even know what half of these words were referring to.

"Not particularly. My memories consist of fighting and running for my life. I guess… that's the difference. I feel as though I am constantly aroused, that I am constantly on edge, agitated and afraid. It's become so normal for me to be in such a heightened state, that I have no perception of anything more. There is very little that has made me feel otherwise"

Except Chidori…

"What was that thought, Sagara?"

"There was one day, when Chidori gave me a haircut. It was quite the experience. She assured me that I was safe and that she trusted me, and my panic slowly ebbed away for the first time. I begin to become aware of other feelings, of warmth, and comfort. It was as though I had never noticed how beautiful she was until those minutes of tranquillity we shared. I feel I had learnt the meaning of peace, and justice. We were all searching for this blissful place"

"That's promising, Sousuke. What happened after that?"

"Nothing" I tried to remember, but my memory had cut off mid conversation "I fell asleep"

Kurtz stared at me. It was as though he had seen something horrible, or completely amazing, like there was a puzzle he had been trying to figure out in his head and he'd picked up the missing piece.

"I finally understand" Kurtz said, and there was calm on his face, as well "When Chidori and you spend quality time together alone, you begin to behave like a normal person"

"A normal person?" I asked, and it was starting to make sense of it too "Do you mean most people feel that amazing calmness the majority of the time?"

"In preferable circumstances, yes" Kurtz nodded "Dude, I always knew you were a bit weird, but could never find how to explain it. It makes so much sense now"

"What makes sense?"  
"The reason you can't feel aroused by anything is because you're constantly on edge, your system can't handle anything else – your body is so overworked that it has no perception or space to allow any other feelings to occur"

"I see. It is a very interesting theory you have there" I nodded "But why does it matter if I can feel aroused by anything or not? What does that even mean?"

"Don't worry, Sagara. I'm going to help you. We need Chidori, and we need you two to spend quality time together, doing nice things for each other. Perphaps over time, if you calm down enough, you will start to label someone as 'sexy'"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because, my friend" Kurtz hugged me, and I could hardly feel his arms "The positive feelings, sex or love, is what makes life worth living, besides, it will help you make more friends"

I thought about his absurd proposition- that perhaps I had been living a half life, too caught up in complications, missions and trauma in order to feel things were "sexy" or "attractive" – or even find beauty in things.

I thought back to the haircut Chidori had given me, and how beautiful that feeling was. I would kill to have that feeling again, literally kill, that's an ulterior motive as to why I have been so protective of her as of late. I might as well go along with it, as party's are an attempt to make mundane activities interesting.

"Very well. I will allow you to speak to Chidori and perhaps later today we can do some nice things together"

"AWESOME!"

Kurtz danced around in his costume, before throwing it off again.


	4. Quality Time

I ate breakfast, mostly in silence. Usually I would strike up conversation with Melissa, Kurtz, or Kaname, but this morning I couldn't be bothered. There were so many things going on in my head I hardly had the mental capacity to talk. I took a bite of my fried egg on toast, savouring the taste. Was this egg sexy? I don't think so. I guess it could be.

"That looks like good breakfast, Sousuke" Kaname smiled, only just entering the room "Did you spend extra effort on it?"

I glanced to Kurtz, who made a face, then to Kaname.

"I spent as much effort as I usually do, Kaname" I was about to leave the sentence at that, but it wasn't the complete truth "I was thinking of you as I cooked it"

"Wow, lover boy has a soft side!" Melissa exclaimed, and Kurtz grinned.

"Nice to see you're coming out of your shell, Sousuke" he said.

"A shell? What interesting wording. I didn't think of it as such" I said.

I looked at Kaname, and she had turned pink again, although she looked proud of herself. Tessa looked surprised.

"Really? You were thinking of me? What about me?" Kaname asked.

"I have just been thinking a lot lately" I mentioned, and it was surprising to see everyone staring at me, as though I was a lion at the zoo. "I'm wondering if you like fried eggs, Chidori"

"Fried eggs? They're ok, my favourite is scrambled eggs, especially in fried rice. That's the best!"

"Scrambled eggs" I pondered, and I noticed Chidori was about to pour herself some cereal "Would you like to sit down, and I could make you breakfast?"

Kaname blushed "Um, I guess, but why are you being so nice?"

"Yeah, why Sousuke?!" Tessa exclaimed, and she was pink too "How about you make me breakfast too?"

"I suppose if the Captain wants breakfast, I have no choice. What would you like, Miss Tessa?"

"I would like whatever Chidori is having, thank you"

"Of course. Well I am thinking of making some scrambled eggs on wholemeal toast, do you have any objections?"  
"No objections, that sounds lovely, Sergeant" Tessa smiled, and she threw a snobby look at Kaname.

"Absolutely. Two servings of scrambled eggs on toast coming right up!"

"Hey Sousuke!" Kurtz yelled, "Can I have some too?"

"No." I said, "I am very tired and I don't want to strain myself for you"

"Ouch, Kurtz" Melissa laughed "Better luck next time"

"Yes, I agree"

When I finished the eggs and toast, which didn't take very long, Kaname was staring at me, and Tessa was staring at Kaname. They ate their food in silence. I drank green tea, trying to decipher my thoughts.

"It looks like there's a triangle going on here!" Melissa boomed. Tessa smiled.

"Quadrangle, once you count Kurtz"

"WHAT?!" Kurtz yelled. I sipped my tea.

"What's with that face, Chidori?" I asked. Kaname blushed.

"Was I making a face? I'm sorry"

"No, I am just curious what is going on in your head. Pleas tell me"

Kaname looked down at her plate "Thanks for being so nice to me. I didn't think you were the type"

"Sousuke's plenty the type!" Kurtz said, and I was glad he was my friend "He's just practicing, right Sousuke?"

"Um, yes, I suppose you could put it that way. If there's anything else you would like me to do, just ask and I will perform it to an admirable standard"

"Oh, Sousuke" Tessa got another blood nose "You are so dreamy"

Kaname ignored Tessa. She smiled at me "Thanks, Sousuke"

I began to feel myself calming down, but then I jumped up.

"I'm sorry to be a bother to you all. I am going to go read for a bit, right Kurtz"

"Yep. He likes reading. Look at him go"

It was a diversion, so Kurtz could corner Chidori and interrogate her about his plan. I would have to do nice things for Chidori. It was a sure way to make myself more agreeable. Why was I doing this again? Oh yes, the haircut.

* * *

Dearest reader, here are some of my ideas for "quality time with Kaname". I hope they sound reasonable, even though I am talking to nobody. Notebook, I hope they please you.

1. Cook Kaname lunch

2. Cook Kaname dinner

3. Do Kaname's washing

4. Read Kaname a book

5. Make Kaname tea

6. Iron Kaname's clothes

7. Buy Kaname a present (what that is, I don't know)

8. Ask what Kaname wants me to do

9. Describe my costume to Kaname?

Admittedly, my ideas mostly consist of food. Kurtz didn't think they were very good.

* * *

"You're not her servant man, you're her equal. Treat her like an equal" Kurts explained, later on in the corridor.

"I am not sure how to do that. What would you suggest?"

"Well, number 7 sounds good, presents are always good, don't do number 9, or 4, in fact, screw all of them. Here's what I would like you to do"

He gave me specific instructions to be a gentleman, at all costs, even if she was not very nice to me, however, Chidori is Chidori. It's not like she has beaten me up recently.

* * *

This mission was put in place at 42 past 14 hours. I found Chidori in her room, reading a magazine on her bed.

"Hello, beautiful princess" I said, running off the ideas Kurtz had given to me "How are you?"

What was this strange language? Kurtz is making me sound dirty. Kaname giggled. She covered her mouth.

"I'm g-g-good. How are you?"

"Amazingly, now I've found you" I explained. Kaname laughed.

"Sousuke, stop it"

"Oh. What is it?"

Kaname took a moment to laugh, breathe and put her magazine down.

"Chill, ok? Kurtz told me what he wants to do, and it's ok, I get it. I think you're very sweet for trying, but you don't have to act like how Kurtz says you should. Just be yourself"

"Be myself? But apparently being myself causes me to not function at the highest possible capacity"

"I know you really want this idea to work, and believe me, I do too. Just relax. Here, how about you sit down?"

She gestured to a spot on her bed, next to her… I looked behind me, and edged towards the door.

"You can shut the door, but don't lock it. No one's going to attack you"

Kaname smiled, and despite my fear, I trusted in her smile. She was often right in "real life situations". I shut the door, and pulled away from the lock before I could think. I trembled as I sat down next to her. The bed was comfortable though.

"This is nice" I mentioned, looking around her room "Now what do I do?"

"I told you, stop trying so hard. It's easy. If you want to start a conversation, just ask simple questions, and then you can ask more complicated ones"

Start small, and then build up – like training for the army. I was a beginner at acting 'normal', and until I moved up to the next level, I could not call myself an expert. I nodded.

"I understand"

I looked to Kaname, who was smiling, and down at the magazine she'd left on the ground. I picked it up.

"What is your interest with magazines?" I asked. Kaname laughed.

"I don't know if you'd care. It doesn't have guns and stuff in it"

That's true. Kaname had a good point. It probably wasn't going to be on any topic I considered interesting. I looked down. What to do now? I couldn't lie to Kaname, and be like how Kurtz said I should. I remembered what Kaname said, to just start small.

"You're right, Chidori, it may not be my first choice of literature, however, I am very open to hearing more about it. What kind of topics does it address?"

"Very good, Sousuke" Chidori pat me on the head "Let's start from the beginning"

I turned the magazine over, and read the front page. It had a girl on the front cover, wearing revealing attire, with big writing on the front page.

"It looks like it's about cooking, fashion, relationships and make up" I observed. Kaname nodded.

"Yeah, it's a girly magazine. You can get boys ones that talk about lifting weights, cars, things like that – but I don't like those"

"How clever. I never thought magazines were so good at targeting an audience" I said. Kaname laughed.

"You're so dumb, Sousuke, of course they're good at it- that's what these writers do for a living"

"This magazine looks like it talks about a lot of things I don't understand. Perhaps I should study them to learn more about the world"

"Haha, you could if you wanted" Kaname said, and she flicked through the pages "Fashion is just about looking good, and attractive to another person, in fact a lot of these things are about that. Cooking would make sense to you, yeah?"

"Cooking I understand, yes" I nodded "It is very important to prepare a nutritious meal to allow your body to function to it's best"

Kaname flicked through more pages "My favourite column is this one, it's where people can write in and say their most embarrassing moments. It makes me feel less stupid because I've done things like this too"

"Can I see?"

I took the magazine off her, and read a couple of the stories.

"These all sound like things I would do"

"Really?" Kaname read them over "Oh my god, you're right!"

"I must be really stupid then, shouldn't I?"

Kaname pat me on the head again "As oblivious as you are, at least now you are trying to solve it, but I'm not sure I'm ready for stupid Sousuke to go"

"You're not ready? What ever do you mean?"

Kaname looked up at the ceiling, there was a wondrous expression on her face.

"If you learnt more about the world, maybe you wouldn't be so charming. Half your charm is your stupidity, how uptight you are. It would be weird to see you change"

"I don't have to change" I said, and I read the magazine article over again "I just want to talk to you so I can calm down and, over time, be more normal. Do you not want that?"

"It would be nice to see you happy. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. You're always so serious"

"Like you said, I need to, what was the word you used, 'chill'. It would be nice not to be in a state of panic all the time"

"Yes, it would. It's not like your interests, or you, as a person would change, that much. It will probably be so gradual I won't really notice"

"No. If it means that much to you, Chidori, I can continue being stupid, even when I have become more 'chill'"

"Haha, that sounds like a good idea!" Kaname laughed "You don't have to use that Kurtz crap on me though"

"I'm not. I really do want to fulfil your every desire, if that is what will help me go back to 'normal'"

Kaname blushed for a moment.

"You've got your head screwed on wrong" Kaname gave me a playful hit on the shoulder "I don't think that is what Kurtz was trying to say"

"Really?"

"No, he means quality time – since we are trying to calm you down, the focus should be on you. How about I give you a massage?"  
"A massage? What on earth for?"  
"Massages are good for you. They help your circulation, and they are known to help people relax. How about you try it, we can start off small"

I tensed up, this time I realized I was tensing up. I tried to relax, but it was no good. What if something bad was going to happen?

Kaname got on her knees and made her way behind me. She placed her hands on my shoulders. I grabbed her hand, out of a natural instinct, and grasped it, very tightly, in preparation for pushing her away. I would just have to twist her arm and…

"Shh, don't be like that, Sousuke"

Kaname grabbed my hand with her other hand, and, after some tugging, softly put it back on my lap.

"I promise I won't hurt you. Now just relax, you might find you like it"

I held onto my hands in my lap, hoping I wouldn't snap and do something else. However, I had never experienced a massage before, and knew little about the subject topic. Who was I to know what would happen? I really hoped Kaname knew what she was doing.


	5. Kaname's Theory

I closed my eyes, and took in all the sensations. Kaname's hands were gentle and soft, warm, I had never noticed before. I was always so used to her fists hitting me, and how much that hurt. But I guess now the opportunity arose for me to feel how warm she really was. Kaname grasped at my upper trapezius with her hands, squeezing them.

"You're super tense, Sousuke. I've never massaged anyone with such tight shoulders"

"Oh, so you've done this before? That's a reassurance"

"Yes, I was reading techniques in a magazine article. It's really easy. I practiced on Tessa, and Kurtz and Melissa- everyone really. They say I'm really good"

She kept squeezing my trapezius, trying to get the musculature to relax, or at least, to make me stop consciously tensing, but it wasn't working just yet.

"Why aren't you relaxing?" Kaname asked herself, but then she paused. "I know, I'll put on some music. I've got a cute little CD. Just a sec"

I kept my eyes shut as I felt Kaname's warm hands leave me, and the clicking of buttons entered my ears. Music started to play – it was acoustic Jpop.

"This is my favourite singer, she's so good" Kaname said, and her voice became closer. I felt her hands gently rest upon my shoulders again "Her name is Mikuni Shimokawa. This song is called "Karenai Hana". I love it so much"

"It is quite subdued" I agreed.

"Take some deep breaths for me, Sousuke" Kaname mentioned, and her voice became softer as well "Diaphragm breaths - not crappy breaths"

"I didn't think it was possible to breath inefficiently"

"Now you do, put a hand on your tummy and feel your tummy expand"

I did what Kaname asked. I placed my hand on my belly and felt it expand, with some concentration. The song was very nice. Kaname kept squeezing my shoulders, gradually increasing the pressure. It soon became a rhythm. My shoulders were quite painful, but Kaname seemed to know and kept the pressure more light. It was whimsical; I started to feel the warmth in my heart, my soul, as I descended deeper into a slumber. Soon enough, my shoulders felt more like jelly, and I couldn't feel my legs.

"Aw, how cute" Kaname's voice was relaxing, it felt distant and far away "I know how to make it so you can really fall asleep. Is it ok if I take off your shirt, Sagara?"

"What?" I opened my eyes "What will that do?"

"I'm limited to the amount of techniques I can do with your shirt on. If you lie down on your stomach, I can massage your whole back, and it feels a lot nicer with oil"

"Are you sure? It sounds like you'd be preparing to cook me"

Kaname laughed "No, silly. C'mon, trust me"

I looked Kaname up and down, trying to read her face. The micro expressions in her intrinsic facial muscles implied that she was happy. The skin near her eyes were creased and her forehead was neutral and unlined. What was she happy for? Was she planning to kill me? No, Chidori had held scissors near me before, and she cut my hair. She didn't kill me. What malicious things could she do with oil?

There were many things, and we were staring at each other for a long time, before a glanced at the door.

"Can you lock the door?"

"Oh, sure" Kaname jumped off her bed and clicked the lock "I almost forgot about that!"

As Kaname reached the side of the bed again, she adjusted a pillow, and pulled her doona off. I took a hold of my shirt and pulled it off, folding it, and placing it on the ground. Kaname was blushing, but she also looked very happy.

"What's wrong, Chidori?" I asked, and I hesitated "How do I lie down for a back massage?"

Kaname snapped out of her blushing "Oh, just lie down how you would if you were sleeping, just turn your head to one side, obviously"

I did as she asked, noticing how cold it was in the submarine. I watched Kaname grab some olive oil from her desk in a bottle, and put it on her hands. She rubbed them together.

"Now just relax, Sousuke, like we were doing before. Take your deep breaths"

I closed my eyes again. Kaname's hands were warmer than before, they must have gotten used to my body temperature. She was right though, there was a lot more you could do with oil massage than a through clothes one. I could feel as though I would fall asleep again.

"You are very good at this, you know" I said, trying hard not to sound "Kurtz-y" "The others are right"

"Thanks, that's great to know! I try"

I could hear her smiling in her words. It was a very pleasant sound. It made me feel soothed and at ease. My mind began to wander. Images appeared in my brain, as the gap between conscious and unconscious became blurred.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" I mumbled, trying to reach out to this beauty in my sleep. I could hardly hear Kaname's response. It was wiped from my memory. I had no recollection of anything, but blissful calamity. I had found that place again, and it was all because of her.


	6. Awakening

I awoke from my slumber, in Chidori's bed, except the doona was completely covering me. The door was open. I could hear Kaname and Tessa yelling outside.

"You think he likes you, but you're wrong! If I just tell him to like me, he'll do it!"

That was Tessa.

"Oh, get over it. You're just jealous you couldn't calm him down. You're too busy with your job, sitting down and doing nothing!"

"Of course I am and that's why Sagara will pick me!" Tessa yelled "I am much more suited to his personality and interests"

"Maybe that's why you won't work!"

I got up from the bed, and touched my skin. It was soft, and warm. It was a minor detail I hadn't paid much attention up until now. I picked up my shirt from under the bed and put it on. It was time to set some things straight. I stepped outside. Both of the girls were red in the face, Tessa had tears down her face.

"Hello, ladies" I said pleasantly "What can I do for you?"

"You can tell Kaname to go kill herself!" Tessa yelled "I don't care anymore, I just- I just!"

"This isn't over, Tessa" Kaname said, "Just wait until after tomorrow, our Christmas party is going to be amazing, maybe if Sousuke can start to be more normal he will be capable of picking one of us"

"I'm sorry, Sagara" Tessa bowed, and left, in tears. I watched her go, a little sad. Why would such a thing as my decision affect her so deeply?

"You look sad, Sousuke" Kaname noticed, "I'm sorry for yelling. You looked so cute asleep"

"It's alright, Chidori" I nodded, scratching my head "I am more confused. It makes me sad Tessa would take things so seriously"

"Maybe a bit like you?" Chidori suggested. I gave a shrewd smile- small muscles that weren't used to moving were starting to get a work out.

"Yes, maybe a bit like me"

* * *

It was time for dinner. I had slept for a couple of hours, which was an achievement for me. I was usually an insomniac, so it was good to catch up on such precious time.

I served myself pasta Melissa had made, in a dazed state of mind. It was as though the room had more colour than it usually did. I took notice of the patterns the pasta sauce took, the swirling of the pasta noodles, the texture. Even as I sat down, I noticed the oak of the table, the blue stripes of my plate. I looked up from my bowl. Melissa was giggling.

"Are you going to eat your food or just stare at it?"

I blushed. I felt my cheeks grow hot, and I felt myself tense up again.

"Of course I will eat it! This is beautiful food!"

I stuffed it down my throat as quickly as I could, almost stabbing myself with my fork. Today was a really strange day for me. I glanced at Chidori. She was smiling, amused at my insane eating style. Tessa had not joined us for that meal. I wonder if she was crying, somewhere. Kaname's eyes were the most intruiging shade of brown. The deeper I looked into Chidori's eyes, the hotter I felt my face get. It was like a fire had started to be kindled inside me, ever so gently, but enough to make me feel warm. It was an interesting sensation. I can't say I am too familiar with it. I think it's called "infatuation".

"Oh, Sousuke's getting a bit hot" Kurtz laughed "Food too spicy for you, buddy?"

I already said the food was great, and I had eaten all of it within the space of a few minutes. A rumble echoed inside me. I started to shake uncontrollably. What was wrong with me? I must be professional; I must not loose my cool…

_Just relax, Sousuke._

Kaname's voice. Oh god, it was beautiful. Why had I been this serious for so long? I started to giggle. I covered my mouth, unable to stop the feeling of joy. My giggle evolved into a laugh. I buried my face in my arms, on the table. My ribs started to burn, and my stomach was tensing up, but in a good sort of way. I was having a laughing fit. I had seen Kurtz have laughing fits a lot, but had never had one myself. It was amazing, but painful- so very painful.

There was gasping around the table. Melissa exclaimed.

"What's wrong with you dude, are you okay? Kurtz, did you give him drugs?"

"He's fine, he's just opening up. Right, Sousuke?" Kurtz said. I raised my head, embarrassed to let everyone see me laugh. It was like I was standing naked in front of everyone. At least Kaname had seen my top half. I remembered how persistent Kaname and Tessa had been about my costume and laughed even harder.

"I'm sorry- I-I'm not trying to laugh"

"Laughing is the best medicine" Chidori nodded "You don't have to be shy about it"

"His face looks so fucked up" Melissa was peering at me with squinty eyes "I'm not used to it, that's for sure"

"First time for everything" Kurtz agreed.

_Thank you, Chidori_… were the words I so wanted to say, but they wouldn't come. Only more laughter came, and tears filled my eyes. Tears of relief and happiness rolled down my face.

"Oh dear, what's wrong with me" I wiped my eyes, trying to calm down. It happened eventually, but I couldn't help but smile "I'm sorry to disturb everyone"

Kaname smiled. She got up from her chair and leant down beside me, whispering in my ear.

"I think I might grow to like this new Sousuke"

She waved and left.

"Thanks for dinner, Melissa!"

"No problem." Melissa said "Hey Sagara, what did Kaname say to you?"

I smiled, quite comfortably "Nothing of great consequence to you"

* * *

After dinner, I went looking for Tessa. While I could feel tension returning to my shoulders, I tried the breathing techniques Kaname showed me, in order to maintain this serene state. I felt lighter, like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders (quite an appropriate simile, don't you think?), and my face felt oddly stretched, as though the muscles that had been tensed up for so long had started to relax – I didn't have this semi permanent numbing headache. One thing was for sure; I would try and get enough sleep tonight. I wonder if Kaname would be so kind as to help me sleep, since other relaxation techniques hadn't helped with me in the past.

I had reached Tessa's room. I knocked.

"Excuse me, Miss Tessa?"

There was a pause, then "What is it?"

I froze. What was wrong? How would I start? Start slow, yes, that's what Kaname's said. Start from the beginning; work your way up- move onto the next level.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure"

Tessa unlocked her door. She was writing in a notebook. She closed it. I blinked. She was wearing a pink nightgown, it brought out her curves, and her silver hair was plaited. I blushed.

"You look very nice, Miss Tessa" I noted, bowing. Tessa blushed.

"Oh really? I try to make myself look pretty at night, so then I don't have to try so hard in the morning. I'm glad you like it"

"Yes, indeed. I do like it"

"What do you want?" Tessa asked, and she looked at me with pleading eyes "Anything I can do?"

"On the contrary", I walked over to her and sat on her bed "I was wondering if there is anything I can do for you, Captain"

Tessa blushed even more. Was she feeling infatuation? Was that the same feeling as the blushing I was getting before?

"That's a very direct request, Sergeant Sagara!"

"Request? I think of it as more of an offering"

"Ok, well, as nice as your offering is I don't… I mean, I'm not sure what to ask for"

I paused. There's that plan down the drain. What else? Oh yes, start with simple questions.

"How are you?" I asked, tentatively. Tessa sighed.

"Same old. Sitting in a chair and doing nothing really takes it out of you. I get stiff and tight everywhere"

"You should ask Kaname for a massage. I hear she is quite good at it"

"Yes, I should, shouldn't I?" Tessa sighed, "I don't know. I am very angry at Kaname right now"

"Angry?"

"I'm jealous, I guess. I wish she could take my place for a day and see how she likes it."

"I see" I looked at my fingernails, then at the ribbon in Tessa's hair "Is it because of that fight?"

"Y-Yes" tears filled Tessa's eyes "but I don't know how to explain to you anything else, Sagara. I want to, so badly, but I don't know how. I need to be direct, but it's so scary!"

"Could you try and explain your feelings in a way I could understand?"

Tessa played with her hair "Ok, I guess it wouldn't hurt"

Tessa threw around a lot of words, which I understood, but hadn't experienced, so it was hard to comprehend a lot of it. However, I asked her to explain what the feelings felt like and that seemed to help a lot.

"I guess, it's just hard because I have a really big crush on you. Isn't that silly?"

"No, Captain, from what you've told me it doesn't sound silly"

"But it is, because you like Kaname, right?"

Perhaps I did like Kaname, I know I feel more for her than just a friend or a protector.

"I'm not sure what I feel for Kaname" I said, and I frowned "I will tell you this though. Captain, you are a very beautiful girl. I will let you know my conclusions when I gain more self awareness"

"Thank you for your kindness, Sergeant Sagara" Tessa bowed "Have a good sleep. I- I- I love you"

I got up from the bed, and tried to smile at her, but I don't know how convincing or natural it looked. Her innocent eyes widened as I said my farewell.

"Have a good sleep, Captain"


	7. Amazing Composition

Saturday finally arrived: The day of Kaname and Tessa's party. The day started smoothly as ever. I had forgotten to ask Chidori for another massage, but I slept better than I did most nights. At least, I got awoken in the middle less than usual. After breakfast, I pulled Chidori aside. She was blushing.

"Yes, Sousuke? What's up?"

"I wanted to thank you for your quality time with me yesterday. I slept better last night, and I talked to Tessa about your fight. I think she may be more civilized today"

"Don't talk to me about Tessa" Kaname crossed her arms "She's annoying and whiny"

"I see. Either way I was wondering if you'd like me to help you set up the party this evening"

"Oh, no. Don't bother. You just get ready" she pinched my face "Ok?"

"Yes, I most certainly will, Chidori" I smiled at her, and bowed "Have a good morning"

I walked away from her, just as I heard her whisper to Melissa.

"He looks so different when he smiles, doesn't he?"  
"Yes. Not his serious smile, either, but a real one"

Girls were still quite strange creatures to me.

* * *

During lunch, I made some fried rice, and I brought some to Chidori's room.

"Whoa, nice service!" Chidori laughed, then she calmed down "come inside"

"Thank you"

I sat down on a cushion, and Chidori joined me. She was reading magazines again.

"I notice you are reading magazines again" I gave Chidori a fork and she took it.

"Yeah, I can't get any new ones until we re-surface, so I just go back and read old ones"

"Why, we are very much alike, Chidori. I do the same thing with my books and journals"

I smiled at her. It was coming more naturally, but I still felt a bit tense. Chidori ruffled my hair.

"Oh my god you are so cute! Sorry. I couldn't help myself"

Chidori blushed. I grinned, and did the same with her hair.

"It is a very flattering look for you, Miss Chidori" I grinned.

"I don't believe you" Chidori looked at her mirror, and laughed.

"I look like such a dumbass idiot"

"If you are an idiot, I am a snail"

Chidori laughed.

"What? That doesn't make any sense!"

"It does to me, and I guess that is what matters"

Chidori smiled and blushed "You're really cute"

I blushed, I didn't even fully grasp what cute meant. It was the same as pretty, wasn't it?

"Does that mean you think I'm attractive?" I asked, not sure what to think. Kaname nodded.

"Yes, you're the prettiest snail to roam the land"

I grinned. I don't think I have ever smiled this much.

"So what brings you to my room, Sousuke? Thanks for the fried rice, by the way"

"It's my pleasure, Miss Chidori. Um, I was wondering of any other relaxing thing I could do with you, since I feel yesterday did help to a degree. I think I could do with more assistance though, if fried rice is a fair exchange"

"Hmm, I'm not sure what else to do, unless you wanted another massage"

"I would very much like that, if you are happy to assist me"

"Sure, pretty snail"

I was happy to start with my shirt off this time, however, I was more aware of Chidori's reaction.

"If you want I can massage your legs as well through your clothes, or your feet"

"Feet sounds nice" I agreed, drifting off already from the memories of my last encounter. Chidori nodded.

"Ok!"

Chidori seemed more confident with her technique this time around. It didn't take as long for me to relax, once I had tried breathing properly and the music had returned. The music really struck me. It ran through my insides like a special type of blood, relaxing every cell it passed. Kaname had really soft, gentle hands, so warm and comforting, like a mother, or a sister, or a lover. Perhaps this was her way of showing affection towards me.

"Oh Sousuke, I can't wait to see your costume later tonight. I have mine all ready"

"I see. What are you dressing up as?"

"Not telling!" Chidori exclaimed, and she increased her pressure "You're so tense"

I felt her hips touch my leg as she leant over me. Her hips, her womb, her childbearing centre... I felt myself growing hot, the movement was quite rhythmic but slow, like a dance or a waltz. I remembered what Kurtz had said.

_They think you're sexy, Sagara._

_You're the prettiest snail to roam the land. _

While a snail may not be that attractive, Chidori admitted I was 'cute'. With Kurtz additional comment, and that I was obvious may only mean one thing. Chidori thought I was more than pretty.

_Does that mean Chidori wants to bear children with me?_

Procreation, sex, the act of giving another your body in order to achieve a greater outcome, is that what Chidori wanted from me? How do I ask such a question? According to Chidori's logic, I can ask more complicated questions once simple questions have been asked, and since she had already admitted I was pretty, where else could I take it? She blushes, maybe she is infatuated with me. Maybe I'm infatuated with her!

"Jeez, Sousuke, what is it today? You're tensing up and stuff again"

"Sorry" I mumbled, and I took a deep breath "I am doing a lot of thinking"

"Cool, what about? Try me, I can take anything you have to say"

I thought of the means to phrase what I wanted to find out- did Chidori find me arousing- but what was the correct way to ask such a question.

_I have a really big crush on you, Sousuke. _

A "crush" seems to be a colloquial way to describe it. Perhaps I could use that word, but is that the word I wanted to find out? What did I want from Chidori?

"How do you feel… when you look into my eyes, Chidori?" I asked. Chidori's hands froze for a second, but then she started up again.

"Jeez, what a question! Um, what do you want to know, exactly?"

Crap! I have to think of a back up question! But I don't understand it enough yet. I'll just go with my original plan, yes, I will be a stupid pretty snail.

"Do I arouse you?"

Chidori really did freeze this time, but she kept her warm hands on me. It was a numbing silence, the kind you want to break with a loud bang.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I don't know. Since yesterday, I am discovering emotions I had not experienced much before. It is interesting to learn about all the different ones"

"God, you're a guy and you're asking me to describe arousal to you!"

"No, Chidori... only if you feel it. Forgive me, I know I am not making much sense"

"Well, uhh…" Kaname hesitated. She must be as stuck as I was. She started to massage me again.

"I, um, do think you are a very attractive guy, I won't lie, but why on earth do you want arousal described to you? How much detail do you want me to give you? God, you're creepy sometimes"

"I'm sorry, Chidori, if I have offended you. My only intention is to understand my own feelings for you, that's why, if you described the feelings I am having, perhaps it would make more sense to me"

How did that come out of my mouth? That's exactly what I wanted clarification on!

"Oh"

Chidori went quiet. Deadly quiet. It was good there was music in the background or it would have driven me mad. She took a few deep breaths, and my heartbeat was pounding in my ears. She finally answered with:

"How about you try and describe what you're feeling, and I'll see if I can put a word to it"

"Not a problem, Chidori. Let me think…"

Chidori's hands became a lot firmer, as though she was trying to figure out my darkest secrets through my skin. It felt very nice, yet painful, penetrating.

"When I look at you, I feel warm inside, like having a hot water bottle near me. When you touch me, I feel all my worries ebb away. I am not a poet, Chidori, but you make me feel like I could be a magnificent composer. Your hair is such a gorgeous colour; your eyes are like an ocean, where I could just sink in them and drown. Yet the more I drown, the happier I feel. The more I think about it, my temperature rises like a fever, and I think I might be sick. I get hot, sweaty, my heartbeat gets faster, I…"

"Stop it, Sousuke!" Chidori yelled, and she pinched my skin "Just stop it"

I took some deep breaths. The feeling I was just describing was enveloping me, growing stronger every second.

"I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?" I mumbled, and I tried to look at her, but she was out of my vision.

"No, you didn't, Sousuke" Chidori was the one taking deep breaths now "It just made me feel uncomfortable"

"Uncomfortable? I deeply apologize"

"Trust me, it's not your fault. I know you're just trying to understand all these new experiences"

"Yes, that's true, Chidori. I'm glad you understand. Do you have any idea what that feeling might be?"

Chidori started to massage me again; only I stopped being calm, my feelings only grew stronger. I didn't think it would happen so quickly. I felt blood rushing down to my pelvis, a physiological reaction I had only heard about in school, but never felt for myself. It really did feel like I had a fever.

"It sounds like it could be lots of different feelings at once"

"I see"

"At first, it felt like you were describing friendship, or being close to someone. I'm not sure what the word would be"

"Right. That makes sense"

"But then you went on to describe things that sounded like infatuation, or in your words 'arousal'. God, I hate that word!"

I laughed "I apologize for my poor choice of words, Chidori. But I'm very grateful you took the time to listen to me. Thank you"

"No problem"

Chidori ran a finger lightly down my spine, and then hit me on my, how do I say it, deriere.

"That's for being a snail!"

"Oww" I moaned, "You pack quite a punch, Chidori"

"What can I say? You had it coming"

She walked over to the CD player and stopped it. I opened my eyes, and was blinded by the lights at first.

"You should start getting ready for tonight. I need to set up"

I stood up, and pulled on my shirt, covering it slightly with oil, although most of it had soaked in. I bowed.

"Thanks a lot for your contribution, Chidori. I look forward to seeing you tonight"

Chidori must have been blushing, because she was too ashamed to look at me.

"You too, pretty snail"

I walked out without another word, and tried to look at her beautiful face as I reached the door, but I only saw the messed up locks of her hair. Oh Chidori, I do hope you're alright.


	8. Life of the Party

**_Disclaimer_: This is where the story could be rated T, since there are some adult themes. Please enjoy! Thanks for keeping up with the story thus far :)**

* * *

"Welcome back, man" Kurtz opened the door to his room, quite happily "I've just had to fight off Tessa, and she wanted to see your costume"

"Oh"

I thought she could have waited but obviously not.

"You look different, Sousuke" Kurtz noticed. I shrugged, and walked inside, staring at Kurtz desk. It hadn't changed, but I was suddenly fascinated by the pornography. All these things about girls I didn't understand were all described there on the page. I felt myself getting tense again. It isn't what my encounter with Chidori was supposed to do.

"You're sweating" Kurtz watched me, awed "Holy shit! Are you horny?"

"Pardon?" I snapped, unable to take my eyes off a snippet of girl's panties "I am merely curious, and watchful, nothing more"

"Pff, same thing" Kurtz pushed it aside "I'm just ironing the rest of my clothes but if you just jump in and have a shower I won't be long"

"Roger, understood"

Rigidly, and awkwardly, I stomped over to the on suite bathroom, and locked the door. I had to calm down, I was starting to make progress and now I was going backwards! Maybe this was normal. Maybe I am 'horny'.

I started the shower, and took off my clothes, imagining what would happen if Kaname was watching me shower. What would she do?

She would blush, for one, but would she come in and join me? Or was I too abstract to meet her desires? Was I merely a disgusting male specimen, a Kurtz type, who just wanted to have women for physical means?

"I didn't think my description was too explicit" I mumbled, taking what remained of the soap bar and covering myself in bubbles. I am just a snail, a slower version of a dumbass idiot.

_You are very attractive, Sousuke, I won't lie… _

Is that all? I am just a piece of flesh to be admired from afar? Do you want anything to do with me?

I grabbed my face and ran my hands through my hair. How I want you, dear Chidori. I want to touch you, to learn the full extent of your soft wonder. You must be so beautiful, naked – warm all over, just like your hands.

I began to feel swollen and feverish again, as my physiological instincts took over. God, how do guys usually deal with this?! That's it!

"Kurtz!" I called out, hoping he could hear me. His muffled voice answered.

"Yes?!"

"How do you stop yourself feeling 'horny'?"

"What?!"

"I said: how do you stop yourself feeling horny?!"

I heard Kurtz laughing.

"Are you serious?"

"YES!" All the anguish and rage burst through me in one go. I hated everything, everyone, I wanted to tear the world to pieces! I heard him laughing more, then he said.

"I'll tell you when you get out"

_Screw this!_

I turned off the water, which wasn't very hot to begin with and out into the fresh open air. Ignoring the cold (I have felt much worse), I dried myself roughly with the towel, put on my underwear and wrapped the towel around me.

I stepped out. Kurtz was red in the face from laughter, crying from mirth. He was wearing his long black pants and his crimson, silk playboy gown.

"SHUT UP!" I roared, and I stomped over and sat on the ground "If you have a fucking problem with me, then say it!"

"S-Sorry" Kurtz choked, and he took some deep breaths "I don't mean to be rude, you just remind me of me when I was 13. I had this problem so often"

"I see. How do you stop it?"

"Just think of something disgusting, like, _really_ disgusting"

"Something disgusting? I think I'm disgusting. That will work, won't it?"

"I still can't believe you're horny right now"

"Not anymore, after talking to you"

"Ouch. That was easy, now wasn't it?"

I crossed my arms "So, you said you would iron my outfit"

"Sure did!" Kurtz face lit up, and he handed me the pants we had picked out.

"Viola, the amazing, the beautiful, 'Deep Dark Sin' trousers from Dark Angel, with the matching Bondage Belt, guilty as charged"

They were long length, black pants; with hooks in a belt formation all up the legs. The belt was also black, made of leather, thick, with large silver hoops and studs along it. I held onto my towel as I put them on for a second time.

Kurtz this time, was the one who got those nosebleed.

"Those girls are going to be drooling over you. Now, from 3Wishes, a rhinestone gun and whip, for decorative purposes" he winked, and handed them to me. They glittered like diamonds, apparently these accessories were designed for women, but Kurtz bought them anyway because he was weird. I attached them to the bondage belt through one of hoops with a clip. I grinned at the sight of the whip. I could surely get my revenge on Chidori.

"I don't even want to know what you're thinking" Kurtz laughed, and he reached out behind him "Next, also from that gothic store, 'Sanguiary', a magnificent masterpiece, especially on you"

He handed it to me. This shirt was probably the most detailed item I had been given to wear. It was also black, but had silver lyrics and patterns printed on it. The collar had studs along it and the similar belt type formation traced with studs that went diagonally from the top shoulder down to the waist, like the strap to a handbag. I put it on, surprised by how light it was to wear. The sleeves changed from normal tee shirt to fishnets a quarter way down my arms.

"Lastly, there are some further accessories: a skull and crossbow choker. I know it looks weird but put it on, you're an adorable little goth Sagara, and some fingerless motorcycle gloves"

I clipped it on. It felt weird to wear. The gloves were comfortable though. It matched well with the rest of the outfit. I looked myself in the mirror; I looked like a grim reaper. It didn't look attractive. Kurtz sprayed me with cologne. Thankfully we weren't going to wear make up.

"Are you sure I look good wearing this, Kurtz?" I asked, and I turned around.

"Its great, trust me, and if you want colour, you can wear a Santa hat"

Kurtz was already wearing his. I shook my head.

"I'll pass"

* * *

I wanted to hide, as I walked towards the hall where the party would take place. I knew what food would be provided, so I wasn't worried about it's success. I trusted Tessa and Chidori to be good hosts. No, I was worried about how I looked. Chidori was right- wearing different things made life more interesting! Kurtz whacked me on the behind. I jumped.

"Cheer up Sousuke, you're going to be the life of the party!"

"On the contrary I think I will be the death of the party"

"Clever, Sousuke, very clever. No, girls love the goth look, at least, the ones I've known do"

"Why didn't you wear something goth for Melissa then?"

"I want her to be surprised a bit later on. For now, I'm going for the understated look"

"I don't think a bunny rabbit is very understated"

"Shh, here we are!"

I glanced around, eager and yet afraid to see Chidori. It was hard to tell who she was as everyone was dressed so extravagantly. I nodded at some of my comrades as they waved hi to me, but hurried away. I didn't want anyone humiliating me, no one.

There was the flash of a camera. I turned. My fears had been realized. Tessa was there. She had another nosebleed.

"Oh darn, my outfit is going to be ruined!" she cried. I felt my temperature rising again, uncontrollably. Kurtz hit me on the ass again.

"Ow!"

"He's great isn't he? I picked the outfit"

"He looks…" Tessa stared me up and down, and then hugged me. "Please, let's stay like this"

She pursed her lips at me, and I kissed her on the cheek.

"There we go, Tessa. You look very nice too"

"Where'd you get your sexy outfit, Tessa?"

"Oh, 3Wishes. It's called Sassy Gangsta. Isn't it awesome?"  
"Yes, it is, my dear" Kurtz kissed Tessa on the hand. Tessa's outfit was very revealing, even more revealing than her dressing gown. It was a 2 piece set, much like a bikini. The main pattern was vertical, thin black and white stripes, while the bottom half was a frilly mini skirt, which ended in white. She was wearing white fishnet stockings and stunning white heels. She had put on make up for the occasion, and it enhanced her features stunningly.

"3 wishes? That's where I got mine too, I've had it for ages!" Chidori wailed. I turned, only to have my nose bleed. She was wearing a two piece set as well, much a similar style to Tessa's except hers was straight black and white, and her mini skirt wasn't frilly. There were handcuffs attached to her belt, and she was wearing sunglasses and a police hat. It was very cute.

"Oh my god! Kaname, you made Sousuke's nose bleed. You must be the one he finds more attractive"

I blushed. _Thanks for putting it out in the open, Tessa._ I turned to her.

"You're very beautiful too, Tessa. I assure you, Captain, you will make someone's nose bleed one day, too"

"Thank you!" Tessa exclaimed, and she hugged me again "You are too kind, Sagara. I assure you it won't be easy to get over you, but I will come talk to you if I have any problems"

"That's not a problem, Captain. You're most welcome"

She left with Kurtz, chatting amiably about his work. Kaname and I were staring at each other. I coughed.

"I, uh, noticed you didn't get a nosebleed. I take it you don't like Kurtz tastes?"  
"Oh no, I just don't get nosebleeds very much. You look hot though, pretty snail"

I smiled. I had achieved what I had wanted to – to make Chidori happy. At least, I think I had done this.

"Do I arouse you?" I asked. Chidori exploded.

"STOP USING THAT WORD!"

I laughed. I picked up a napkin from a nearby table and tried to clean up my bleeding nose.

"I'm sorry, Chidori. I thought I would try taunting you again. It's very amusing to me"

I snapped the whip at her, just to see what she would do. No nosebleed yet, although she was blushing.

"Don't do that" she mumbled.

"What? This?"

I cracked the whip again.

Kaname smiled. She seemed lost in her thoughts.

"You have the most amazing smile, Sousuke. I feel very honoured that I am alive to witness it"

"Why thank you, Miss Chidori. I couldn't have done it without you, though. The credit is all to you"

"I… want to go somewhere with you. Do you want to steal some food?"

"No problem" I smiled, and I gestured her to follow me.

* * *

We ended up stealing dip, crackers and Chidori made me grab a large glass of punch. She wanted to see how I acted drunk. The punch tasted good though. I didn't feel much different. If anything, I felt calmer.

We ended up walking away from the party. Kaname grabbed my hand.

"C'mon, lets go back to my room"

"Uh, sure"

I took the last sip of the punch and dropped the glass. It shattered.

"Shit"

"Never mind that, let's go"


	9. Her Kisses, Her Love

**Disclaimer: For all the little kiddies or those with innocent, easily scarred minds, I recommend you stop reading at this chapter, as it is truly rated M and above. It contains sexually explicit material and I advise you read at your own risk (or pleasure!). Enjoy fellow Sousuke/Kaname shippers!**

* * *

We sat down on Kaname's bed once again, and she fed me a cracker with homemade spinach and cottage cheese dip.

"Wow, that's amazing" I mentioned, some of it dribbling down my front "Oh, sorry"

Kaname laughed, "You can't do the goth attitude very well anymore, I'm sorry to say"

"I don't mind. I like it better this way"

"I do too"

I smiled at Kaname, wanting her to understand how lovely she made me feel inside. Her eyes widened, lip quivered. Had a broken her? Why did she look so saddened and distant?

"I want you to know, Sousuke, that in answer to your other question yesterday, about how I feel when I look into your eyes…um…"

She was trembling. She took off her sunglasses and hat, struggling to find the words. I looked at my hands, and slowly touched her shoulder.

"Just relax and start from the beginning, Officer" I said, saluting her. Kaname laughed.

"Oh, Sagara, you're right. I'm being silly"

"Not any more silly than me. It's not a problem" I noted. Kaname grinned.

"Stop it"

"What's wrong?"

Kaname screwed up her face, took a deep breath in, and her widened eyes pierced mine.

"You amaze me. I… I am ashamed to admit that I am hopelessly infatuated with you"

"With me?" I blushed, pointing at myself "Could you elaborate on your deduction?"

"You're getting smarter and smarter every day and it's so amazing to see you change. No doubt, people change as time goes on, I've probably changed too, but I didn't expect you would- not like this anyway. I thought you'd become a killer psycho"

"How flattering, Kaname. I could say the same about you"

"I'm not trying to be mean!" Kaname pleaded, and she was blushing again "What I mean is… you're still just as cute. If anything, you're probably cuter- but it's more than just wanting your body. Pretty snail, you are my closest friend, even though we came from completely different places"

I unhooked the choker from my neck, and placed it aside. It was starting to scratch.

"I'm your closest friend?"

"Yes, but…I would love to be even closer"

"Thank you very much"

She leant in closer to me as she spoke. She put a hand on mine. My temperature skyrocketed, and I wanted to fidget. Was she going to kiss me? Kurtz, how do I kiss someone? I have never had much practice, a little, but I was no expert. I hope she would forgive me.

"I- I would like you to know I feel extremely unprepared, Kaname!" I blurted out, blushing furiously. Kaname smiled her sweetest smile. It made me tense up even more so. She closed her eyes.

"Don't worry. I do too"

I closed my eyes, as Kaname enclosed her lips on mine, bringing forth a fire in my heart I have never known. It was burning passion, intoxicating heat. My pulse went haywire. I began to feel sweat building up. I touched her face, so softly, trying hard not to break her. She was so fragile in this state, I was afraid to move. She touched my face, my hair, ran her fingers through it. I was in heaven.

"I love you, Miss Chidori" I said, and Kaname looked sad.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting"

We kissed again, and Kaname pushed me onto the bed. I let her take me – control me. Kaname ran her hands under my shirt and onto my chest, resting there. It was very peaceful.

I suddenly remembered Kurtz words; they appeared a lot more meaningful than before.

_Love, sex, it's what life is all about._

Was this the part of my life that had been missing? The sacred other side which had been so mysterious to me… I do believe it was.

Did Kaname want to bear my children? I don't know if I wanted to be a father just yet, but I know I wanted to be closer to her, I wanted to feel that naked body against mine, and thank her for all her dedication and partnership, with my body and soul. That was the least I could do to express my gratitude.

Breathing heavily, stuck on pause, I bent closer to her ear, and whispered in it, so gently she probably couldn't hear me. I'll admit I was too nervous and overwhelmed to speak louder.

"Do you want to make love to me?"

Kaname giggled "Not just yet, lover boy. First I've got to take you out of these clothes"

"Oh? My clothes will be a problem, will they?"

"Duh! Don't you know anything?"

"I know how intensely I want to see you out of your clothes, but I am having trouble understanding why you would want to see me. I am too ordinary. A man of my stature must be of no interest or pleasure to you"

Kaname giggled. She nibbled me on the ear, and my heart felt like it stopped.

"Trust me, Sousuke" she muttered "You are the opposite of ordinary"

"I see"

What was the social convention of undressing another person? Did I take off my clothes, or did I take off hers? What order and position must we oblige to? I started to get a headache.

"Sweetie, you're so silly" Kaname smiled, and like an angel, she answered my question for me "Stay still for me, won't you?"

"Absolutely, Officer!" I saluted her again. Kaname laughed.

"Oh my god, you're so cheesy!"

I shut my eyes. Kaname adjusted her position, so she was sitting on my waist. I clenched my jaw. My headache grew stronger. She would be able to feel my body's reaction to arousal. Would she find that funny, too? I don't think I could take any more humiliation. I started to shake, as Kaname pulled my shirt up, and gestured me to raise my arms.

"You look nervous" she tilted her head "What's wrong, Sousuke?"

"I just…" I took a deep breath, as I raised my arms above my head "I am feeling v-very uncomfortable right now"

"Ohhh!" Kaname understood "You think I'm going to strangle you or something?"  
"Not that" I shook my head "I'm afraid you will…"

What words could I use? Everything seemed inappropriate and wrong. The English language failed me at this point. I should have studied more.

Kaname looked at me very hard in the eyes.

"I know you're a virgin. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We were all virgins once"

I choked on my own shock "Are you saying you have already performed such activities on someone?"

"I have" Kaname smiled "But I'm not telling whom"

She winked, cheeky as ever.

"I see" I held my breath as Kaname took off my shirt, and I shuddered "How is that supposed to comfort me?"

"If you could tell me what you're scared of, I might be able to help more"

I reached out my arms and Kaname lay on my chest, warming it up. My shuddering started to stop. I took some deep breaths. Why was I so afraid?

"I'm scared you will have your fun, and leave me alone to die"

"Alone to die? You are strange, Sousuke" Kaname ran a finger down my neck, and my pelvis started to really hurt, trapped in my trousers. "I wouldn't leave you, not for anything"

"How can I be sure of that?" I asked her, desperate for some sort of answer to my troubles.

"You'll just have to trust me, but now that you say that… I think I know how to save you"

"What is your proposition, Miss Chidori?"

Kaname hesitated. She moved slightly, so our noses were touching.

"That if you can learn to trust me, you can learn to trust others, as well"

"I sure hope your theory has substantial legitimacy to it, Kaname"

"You think too much, Sousuke. Here, now you can forget it all"

Kaname's kiss was lingering, and it drilled deep into my core. I felt that she was really trying to reach me, and allow me to understand. I felt my arms grow limp, almost against my own will, and Kaname giggled.

"Good, Sousuke"

She kissed me along my jawline, down my neck, onto my chest. I shuddered.

"It's cold" I murmured, and I looked down, blushing as she reached the insane belt Kurtz had leant me. "I am wondering how I can assist you, Officer"

Kaname grinned at me, a twinkle in her eye. She knew what language I was speaking now.

"Put your hands on your head" she said, and she traced the lining of my belt "I need to perform an investigation. Top priority"

"I understand" I nodded, obeying her command "Please tell me the details of your wishes, Officer"

"I have been given specific instructions to observe you, Sousuke Sagara. Many onlookers have directed my attention to you, for your uncivilized conduct in public domains"

"I deeply apologize, Miss. I had no intention to cause misconduct"

"Of course you didn't" Kaname didn't sound convinced. I grinned, and nodded.

"What does your inspection consist of?"

"I must check you for any suspicious threats or diseases. I don't want you to be a danger to the public"

"Diseases? Oh dear."

I grew quiet. I wasn't sure what else to say. As natural as this persona came to me, I was very aware of Kaname's ulterior motive. She looked up at me, sternly.

"May I remove your pants?"

I blushed, and nodded.

"As uncomfortable it makes me feel to allow it, I have no intention to disrespect your authority, Officer"

"Haha, shut up" Kaname smirked, and she unhooked my belt. "Oh dear, there are some weapons here"

She picked up the rhinestone gun and whip. I panicked, forgetting for a moment it was a game.

"Why are you carrying a whip and a gun, Mr Sagara?"

"It was unavoidable, Miss!" I yelled, trembling head to toe "I attended a fancy dress party and was required to be imaginative with accessories"

Kaname was eyeing off the whip.

"Seems innocent enough"

She whacked my chest with it, and I bit my lip, stifling a scream.

"Are you crazy, woman!?" I yelled. Kaname laughed.

"Sorry, it was a necessary precaution"

"I would like my weapons back, thank you" I said. Kaname shook her head.

"I'm sorry. I can't allow that"

She started to undo my buttons.

"I must complete my investigation first"

I pulled at my hair. Sweat was dripping on my face. A red mark started to appear on my chest. I tried to breath deeply, but I was too utterly enamoured by Miss Kaname Chidori, the Police Officer.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked, and Kaname pulled down my pants, allowing an array of goose bumps to spread on my legs. I quivered.

_Please, take me away_. I thought, awed. Kaname placed a hand on that thing I dare not mention in words. It only made me want her more.

"Fuck you" I growled, and I wanted to kick her off "You are, most truly, a horrible Police Officer"

"Why is that?" Kaname asked, and she planted a kiss on my underwear.

"This is terribly unprofessional. A real Police Officer wouldn't do this, you are very bad actress"

"I am an excellent actress!" Kaname retorted "It's just for fun, this isn't meant to be real, God"

"I know. I'm sorry, Kaname" I nodded, and I bit my lip "I just can't stand waiting"

"Haha, you think I don't know that?"

She beamed at me, and I looked deep into her soul. She was honest, and kind. She had no real desire to harm me; she just wanted me to have fun. I sighed. Kaname ran a hand up my leg.

"What would you like me to do, Sousuke?"  
"Anything you want, Officer, I am more than happy to oblige." I blurted out. Kaname hit again with the whip.

"That doesn't help!"  
"OW!"

I gasped, panting, adrenaline rushing through me. So many bad memories past my brain, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. War, violence, torture and my head did not mix very well.

"Kaname, please stop using that on me. I know it's all for fun but it's making my head spin"

"Oh, I can make your head spin, alright"

"No!"

Kaname whipped me again. I grunted, trying to shut up. If anyone heard us we would be in big trouble. I sobbed. Why was she being so cruel? I looked up, praying that she wasn't going to do it again, but I noticed she had thrown it over her shoulder.

She lied down next to me, and kissed me on the nose.

"I order you to undress me, Mr Sousuke Sagara"

I snapped awake. An order had been made. A part of me felt alive.

"Roger. Right away, Officer"

So me, naked except for my underwear, which I admit was very plain, but Kaname didn't seem to mind- jumped up and, with difficulty, pulled off her tightly knit top half. I braced myself for what I would see, what I had fantasised and wondered about. Kaname was smiling serenly at me, as though she was happy to see my body quiver. I tossed her top half aside, and only got a quick glance at her chest before I pulled off her heels, and pulled down her skirt. Kaname giggled.

"Well played, Sagara. Top speed. Brrrr, it's cold!"

"Mission completed, Officer"

"Right" Kaname placed a hand on her chin, pondering "I order you to… um… kiss me, but the way you have always dreamed of doing. Don't hold back. Let yourself lose"

I froze, staring at the perfect hue the light shone on her breasts, how perky her nipples had become.

"Are you sure?"

I looked at her face, trying to read her, but I only saw happiness, pure and simple. Her grin grew wider.

"Sure. Go right ahead"

"Ok" I took a deep breath, preparing my tactics rapidly. Where to start? What intensity to use- it was very much like the missions I usually got, except this time it was more up to emotions, rather than intelligence. That made it more difficult though. I pulled at the doona, and Kaname raised her hips so it was able to be free.

"Firstly, I want to be covered by this, to not tempt any onlookers"

I adjusted the doona so it surrounded us like a cocoon, a safe space.

"Good idea" Kaname laughed. I smiled.

"Secondly I want you to know that I love you, Miss Chidori. You are the most amazing girl I have ever met. It has been a pleasure to be your companion and guard. I do hope my desires will somehow match yours"

"Aw, thanks" Kaname said, and she blushed "I love you, too"

I took a deep breath and lowered myself onto her, trying not to crush her.

"Please, make yourself comfortable"

Kaname smiled, her eyes shone brilliantly, as she wrapped her arms around me, and let me know without words how much she cared.

"I am ready when you are"

"Ok"

Slowly, I lowered my lips onto Kaname's cheek, tasting her skin. She tasted so clean, and smelt so lovely. I progressed onto her mouth. I filled her with my tongue, so curiously exploring, tasting every aspect of her I could reach. I opened her eyes, and saw that she was patiently waiting. This gave me an idea. How far could I go with this request?

I trailed my tongue along her neck, kissing it at random intervals. Kaname held onto my tighter, and let out a soft noise. I couldn't describe the noise. It made me desire her though. I slowly placed a finger on her breast, and traced the outline of her nipple, intrigued with the texture.

"You have beautiful, breasts, Kaname" I said, unable to stop myself "I am sure you have been told, many times"

"I have" Kaname admitted "but I like it better when you say it"

Trembling, turning red, I softly kissed her breast, tasting the contour of her nipple. How delightful it was. She gripped onto me, tighter. I took that as an invitation.

"Do you like that, Kaname?" I asked, smiling at her serene face "Would you like me to do more?"

"I want you to shut up!" Kaname growled, and I grinned. So be it, my dearest comrade.

I sucked her nipple, gently feeling at the opposite one, admiring the sweet sounds that Kaname made, so gentle and innocent.

I traced a finger down her stomach, stopping at her pants, but Kaname's hand prodded mine, encouraging me to continue. Goodness, I haven't read any of Kurtz magazines, how was I supposed to know what to do?

"Could you give me some instruction, please Miss Chidori? If that is not asking too much" I asked, placing a hand over her overly provocative underwear. Kaname grinned, she looked pleased I had asked.

"Sure, I'll make you an expert!"

* * *

It wasn't long before Kaname was stroking my hair, holding onto my hand, as I practiced further tongue wielding skills, only in a more explicit location. She was panting.

"I order you… to take off your pants"

"As you wish, Miss Chidori"

I was eager to oblige although I was still feeling self-conscious. I couldn't help but think I was very ordinary, although Kaname had explained I wasn't. She growled.

"Damn it"

"What is it, Kaname?" I asked, as I cuddled her, completely naked now. Kaname rolled her eyes.

"Who am I kidding, we can't do this, not without adequate protection"

Yes, Kaname was right. I climbed out of the bed, and put on my trousers. Screw underwear, who needed underwear?

"I will return, Miss Chidori. I just remembered I have a stash in my bag, in case of lacking places to store water in times of dehydration"

Before Chidori could object, I left the room, topless, ignoring the cold. It was worth it for her.


	10. Concepts of the Mind and Soul

**_Disclaimer_: A shorter chapter this time, it wasn't as explicit as I thought it would be! lol, I guess Sousuke isn't the most perverted of men! Anyway, hope you enjoy :) there's a little left up to the imagination.**

* * *

When I entered the corridor, two sets of eager eyes awaited me. Tessa's eyes were shining with a strange mix of emotion, one I couldn't place.

I had no freedom to testify.

"Whoot, Sagara is getting lucky tonight, eh?" Kurtz laughed. His Santa hat was falling off, but he was able to balance a margarita in his hand. He was beet red; his eyes were watering out of enjoyment.

I nodded.

"Perhaps Kurtz, but that doesn't mean…" I blocked the door before he could barge in "You get to see Miss Chidori without her clothes"

"Oh darn, you lucky bastard" Kurtz split some of his drink "Kaname's a good piece of ass"

"Yes, I agree. However, that's not an excuse. In fact, I do believe you have a certain Melissa to entertain"

"I already screwed it up!" Kurtz blubbered, "She went out for a smoke"

Tessa wrapped her arms around my waist, and planted a few kisses on me. She was intoxicated, too.

"Sagara, you're so lucky. If only I was as beautiful as Kaname,,,"

She started to cry. Make up smudged on my chest. I put a hand on her shoulder.

"I can see you're very upset, Captain"

"Don't call me Captain!" Tessa spat, and the tears kept falling "Call me Tessa"

"Tessa, yes. I'm terribly sorry"

"What's going on here?!"

Kaname peered out from behind my shoulder. She had covered herself with a towel. Kurtz wolf whistled.

"Oh, get a life!" Kaname roared, and she tapped me on the shoulder "Please leave us alone now, we were having fun without you"

"How are you so beautiful, Kaname?" Tessa whimpered. She let go of me. "Share me your secrets"

"Stop relying on everyone and grow a backbone! That's my secret" Kaname said.

Tessa tried to push past me, and I let her, allowing her to hug Kaname.

"You're so amazing, thank you for your kindness." She said.

I had no moment to spare. I ran off towards my room, topless, make up speared over my chest. I heard stifled yells as I departed, but the words themselves were a blur.

No one else was along the corridor.

I dashed into my room and grabbed a condom. It had expired; hopefully it was still going to work. I dashed back, just as Kurtz took a photo. Taking advantage of his subdued reflexes, I snatched the camera off him.

"I don't think you need this anymore" I mentioned. Kurtz wailed.

"No, Sousuke! You'll see all my embarrassing photos"

"If that is what has to happen in order for you to leave, then so be it" I held the camera up "What do you choose?"

"I'll leave you be! I'm sorry! I'm sorry man, just get a photo of Kaname for me, would ya?"

I punched Kurtz on the nose. Tessa screamed. This was distracting enough for both Kurtz and Tessa that I was able to slide through the door, and lock it again.

"Be safe, Tessa" I called as I shut it.

"About time!" Kaname said, crossing her arms "I was getting cold, so I put some music on"

"Music? Why is that necessary?" I asked. I sat down beside her, and she took the condom off me, inspecting it.

"I figure it would help you relax in the heat of the moment"

I blushed, wondering what 'the heat of the moment' meant. I guess I had a vague idea.

"Thank you for your consideration, Miss Chidori"

"Aww!" Kaname gave me a big hug. She pushed me down onto the bed. Her towel fell off. "You've gone all serious again"

"Have I? I suppose arousal isn't exactly an emotion I am used to, neither is doing a mission light headed"

"I getcha'" Kaname smiled, and she moved the doona so it was covering us both. "Now we have to start from the beginning again, but don't worry, I don't think it will take long"

"I'm sorry I made you get cold" I murmured, as Kaname started to trail kisses down my neck again "It was not my intention"

"I wonder if Kurtz and Tessa are still watching"

I glanced towards the door.

"If I hear a word Kurtz will be punished gravely"

"Very clever, Sousuke"

So indeed, as Miss Chidori mentioned, we started again from the beginning, and while it was strange at first to go through all the same steps, it didn't take as long. Soon enough I got to feast my eyes on the beauty of Kaname Chidori without any clothes, and I was able to explore her in a physical way. I dare not write much else, for there is not much to write about, besides the feelings that brewed inside me. They were unlike anything I have known. Heat rushed to my head, and back down – a bit like a yoyo, getting more intense with every moment and fluctuation. It was a relaxing, relieving sort of feeling. The most delicate of noises escaped Kaname's mouth. While I tried to keep quiet, Kaname encouraged me not to hold back, so soon, with the help of her love, I let my inhibitions fade.

It is easy to forget how serious I am when I am lacking moments such as these. As passion overtook my natural instinct to be proper, my memory began to falter. Saturation in my vision brightened. My kisses became more intense and I lost myself in her. The fluids and intensity were only akin to a magnificent storm, one which is dangerous and erratic, but sends chills up your spine. My breathing was heavy, I felt overwhelmed in the warmth, the heartbeat racing against my eardrums.

I was almost about to blank out, my legs felt like they would cramp up, when the strangest thing happened. Most likely this was the sensation many hope to achieve when engaging in such activities, however, it was a lot more interesting than I could have anticipated. I gripped onto Kaname, very tightly, yelping, as it felt like a part of me shook, broke, and then was pieced back together in a matter of seconds. A concept of my mind ceased to exist. There was only my soul, my heart...

_Kaname_! I called, whether in my head or out loud I had no perception of it. All I knew is that I wanted to reach her.

My breathing became heavy, as my surroundings returned. I was much more aware of the sweat dripping down my face, the smell of my body odour, faint perfume from Kaname and cologne. Kaname's belly was so warm and comforting. I felt her ribs expand and shudder beneath mine, as she too, rested. I could sleep forever here. It was the most beautiful place.

Kaname ran a hand through my hair.

"I knew you could manage it, Sousuke" she continued to hold me closer to her. "How do you feel?"

"I can't quite describe it" I murmured, closing my eyes, feeling like I was in an angel's grasp, in the most spectacular Heaven religious texts rarely dare describe. "But thank you for caring for me, Kaname"

"It's my pleasure, Sousuke"

I chuckled.

"A very appropriate choice of words, dearest Chidori"

"I agree. Now, when we're done cuddling, any chance you can help me get off too?"

"Affirmative. I will do anything to satisfy your greatest desires, Officer"

Kaname laughed. Her laugh was a miracle, it reminded me of Chidori's wisdom. Perhaps she was right. Maybe life was only dull on the outside- much like a cave, museum or birthday gift- however, it's only when you open it, you realize how amazing, pleasant and surprising it can be.

"I love your laugh, Kaname" I mumbled, but I'm not sure she heard me. Kaname could tell I was staring to fall asleep, so she hit me.

"Wake up, moron!"

I snapped awake, to ensure my safety.

"Right away, Miss Chidori!"


	11. We'll Meet Again Epilogue

Dearest Notebook,

I have noticed that my previous notes and ramblings have had little description of love, although lust and infatuation appear a lot. Granted, I had not been too familiar with the passionate side of love up until now, so that aspect can be forgiven, but I wanted to make it clear that I am very certain of what love is. In fact, the past week has only further burnt it into my subconsciousness, and allowed me to put it into words.

Love is the very essence of what keeps us alive and thriving, the oxygen in our blood, that unknown force that keeps our hearts beating- Fate, God, Coincidence decides when it is time for us to leave…

When Kaname Chidori is by my side, I have something to keep me warm when I am cold, and look forward to every morning.

Reader, if you are there, remember to never take your loved one for granted, no matter the circumstances, you never know when they might vanish. I swear I won't ever forget her- because she is the one who taught me how to smile and laugh.

I hope one day I will look on this diary years from now and fall in love with Kaname Chidori all over again.

Until our next meeting,

Sousuke Sagara

* * *

I placed the notebook in a locker, where I kept my most valued posessions. Kaname peered over my shoulder.

"Wow, nice stuff, Sousuke" she grinned "But, what is in the box?"

"Oh, nothing much" I smiled, and I planted a kiss on her cheek "Just a diary of sorts"

I locked it, dialing in the combination. Kaname smiled. She seemed to find it amusing I was being vague.

"Cool! One day can you let me read it?"

I thought about this for a while. Perhaps in 10 years it would be enough to need a recap.

"It would be my pleasure to allow you to read it. Not right now, but one day, of course"


End file.
